Patience they say is a virtue But I want what I want when I want it Instant gratification is fun while it lasts -Oops it’s over- Dopamine flooding Neuro-receptors frying On autopilot flying, from reality shying Chasing a lie like chasing a high A waking dream, a living nightmare What of my standards, naw dont I care What might I do when I’m not there to see What have I done, who will I be No time for thought, who needs the pain Chasing again: Casey Jones on the train Fool in the rain, fool in the rain Never guessed I was this damn insane Used to be good now you’re addled old brain <What of the body? Still functional but now on the slide Don’t forget about emotions, relations, and pride Killing them all by the way I lived and I lied Then slowly I died, slowly I died
Came to with the morning gloom Hello old pal impending doom Still can’t forget; mourning lost love Broken wing of flightless dove.
Aching yearning broken heart Broken things we fall apart Broken pieces of a broken world Fractured mind memories swirled
Shattered hopes across mind’s floor Then falling out the unhinged door Unhinged, unstable, crazy now Who cares for why, turn up the how
Was that laughter? no-one’s around! My tormented mind is hallucinating sound? Crazy yeah, could be so Probably be easier than the hell I know
Oh wait no not, it’s too dark in there Inside my own head is the biggest scare Guess it’s back to comfortable hell Shut down, numb out, just be a shell
A broken fragment of who I could be Pushing all of you away from me Falling faster, cutting ties Want no spectators to my slow demise
There was a time when I lived like this. Then a time when I couldn’t take any more. I almost took my life. I almost became a waste of the gift of life. The miracle of my recovery and renewed sense of purpose is to me all the proof of God that I need. If you don’t wanna believe in the “God of the Preachers” then don’t. Find your own conception of caring, loving, forgiving power greater than yourself and get on with living instead of slowly dying
What am I doing, where am I going this remorse I am sowing I don’t have the ambition to care Or maybe I do, just not enough Possibly I will with more of a scare Life could be worse, it’s not so tough Just a little bit homeless Just some easy jail time It’s not so bad of a mess Enable me some more I’ll quit when I’m worse But I’ve still got a long way to go Fleeting thoughts creeping in This is the same problem again Stop, it hurts to think about that Why can’t I stop when I must God you aren’t being very just Don’t you see it’s unfair And I still don’t seem to care It’s my solution to life I need it to face the job and the wife Too bad it may just kill me What if I just do it myself Now I see what is true The demons hold me like glue Rock and a hard place I’m a waste a disgrace How come I can’t quit What’s so good about the shit The wretched tyranny of ifs The futile trys and the wiffs I’ll just drive into a tree They’ll be better without me But wait, something I didn’t foresee I really can’t do that to my boys Playing with costumes and toys They’re so innocent so pure They’ve given me reason for sure I finally think that I care There’s help I received Although I barely believed God was there all along Now there’s reason for song And dance the new plan Another chance to be a real man Responsibilities in life Don’t equal fatal strife Now a better solution Clean of the substance pollution It wasn’t all body or mind This illness is one of a kind My spirit was sick Denial was so thick It was truly more than I could do I just couldn’t beat that damn glue So how did I begin life anew? Twas Grace that broke through!
Timing you are indeed a motherfucker Father Time you’ve played me for a sucker I ran the race that was over before begun I played the game I lost before the fun Open your eyes, so to see the sun Open your heart, to love before you run Lost in time alone in space Wherefore art thou saving grace? Not to see what we could be Not to lose what’s already been Forgiven failures to lose again! ? This I Must Earn Time also means I have to learn Lesson learned three times again Lesson burned, some never win Time and time and then some more Always back to the same before I’ll share the blame I’ll wear the shame Fast or slow all in a name Time you are always same Same as before as way back when March along and leave me then I’m the drunkard, time’s the gin I’m the loser to time again
The way I feel about myself has too often been based upon how I think others are feeling about me. However, I’ve been told that what others think of me is none of my damn business. Besides, do I really know what others are thinking? Also, the way I feel about myself colors the way I think others perceive me. This can set me up for negative cycles of poor self esteem feeding negative emotions. I shall challenge myself to be ok with being ok, to just be. It’s really all about the proper use of perception. Positive thoughts and actions can start a chain reaction in the right direction. Which will I choose; positive or negative energy?
I think about you every day. How you are… safe and happy I pray. Not working too hard but feeling fulfilled, making the most of your life. Take courage through the pains, you’re never alone. Remember the struggle, for all the right reasons. Remember the joys that life has to offer. Remember it’s the small moments that add up to life. It’s the peace in your mind, it’s contentment of purpose. It’s doing for others, but not neglecting ourselves. Life is a balance, don’t take yourself too seriously, but seriously take care of yourself. Not all plans will work out, don’t let loss of ideals steal the true and the real. We all have demons and angels. Dark vs. Light, remember always what you feed will grow. A sensitive heart is easily made to feel weak. A sensitive heart can be our greatest strength. You are who you are. Love yourself with humble perseverance. You are loved for just how you are. Beautifully crafted by the Creator of all. No one else is quite like you and no one ever made me feel the same. I’m so proud of you, not enough words here to explain. I wish to know how you’re doing, want to let you know I still care. Maybe I’m wrong, but for now till I hear from you first I’ll be content with your picture and my prayer.
Loss of an ideal, loss of what could have been Loss of something real, loss of a lover and a best friend When you only see the reasons why it won’t work out that is what you get Never finding perfect love, living in regret Do you really think we could have been together under different circumstances Or was it all a flash of fancied emotional inebriation Someone makes you feel happy, special, good about yourself That someone wants to keep on doing so but you put your feelings on the shelf Love is fed by the feelings of the other When love is dead it’s the feelings that you smother But I’d like to think that if it’s real it maybe doesn’t die If love is real then the feelings heal and you don’t have to look for how and why It’s in our hearts hidden from the pain of over-analyzing loss and gain Love isn’t alive on a ledger sheet Love is feeling, love is heat When love lives mostly inside the head the theory of the grand idea is dead When love is felt inside the heart it survives the time and miles apart Love isn’t convenient or always kind I guess it’s true that love is blind We’re just humans being Feeling with the heart but guided by the mind. The mind doesn’t know what the heart can do So just make the most of what you’ve got With mind so cold and feelings hot Find your balance so you can live But don’t let the pain of what could be Take away your joy before you see
The dance of love and lust Infatuation and trust Willing to be more but finding time for less Busy life, soon to be ex-wife Kids and work, school and recovery Jumbled emotions and responsibility Questions I’m afraid to ask Is this for real, is it healthy? Do I want you more than you want me? We’ve had our fun but not enough Is it time to run or play it tough How did it happen, I’ve fallen very hard Can I protect your tender feelings And forget about myself If we make it work it is together If we fall apart maybe we didn’t try I cannot let you know how I feel Keep it cool and play it safe The nature of attraction, I back off, you’ll want what you don’t have The challenge of the hunt In this game I’m an amateur I don’t always know what to do What to say, who to be I sound so stupid, I just need to be me What made you fall for me at first It is your attention and companionship for which I thirst An exploration of desire How could I need you so much? You’ve introduced me to who I want to be Is that why I don’t want to let you away from me? I want to take care of you but you are strong You don’t want us to be hurt And you’re not wrong You’ll never find another man Who loves you like I do I don’t love you because you’re beautiful You’re beautiful because I love you
I a depraved and ravaged soul I a fearful and childish fool I a willing deceiver I a humble believer I a bearer of great wealth I the loser of my self I a wizard in my training I cannot be self sustaining I have been a great beginner I have never been a winner I the saint and then the sinner I the paint and then the thinner I the learner from the moment I the forgetter of what it meant I am the sum of what I live and see I realize this life is not all about me