INSTANT GRATIFICATION

Patience they say is a virtue
But I want what I want when I want it
Instant gratification is fun while it lasts
        -Oops it’s over-
Dopamine flooding
Neuro-receptors frying
On autopilot flying, from reality shying
Chasing a lie like chasing a high
A waking dream, a living nightmare
What of my standards, naw dont I care
What might I do when I’m not there to see
What have I done, who will I be
No time for thought, who needs the pain
Chasing again: Casey Jones on the train
Fool in the rain, fool in the rain
Never guessed I was this damn insane
Used to be good now you’re addled old brain
    <What of the body?
Still functional but now on the slide
Don’t forget about emotions,
      relations, and pride
Killing them all by the way I lived and I lied
 Then slowly I died, slowly I died

Broken.

Came to with the morning gloom
Hello old pal impending doom
Still can’t forget; mourning lost love
Broken wing of flightless dove.

Aching yearning broken heart
Broken things we fall apart
Broken pieces of a broken world
Fractured mind memories swirled

Shattered hopes across mind’s floor
Then falling out the unhinged door
Unhinged, unstable, crazy now
Who cares for why, turn up the how

Was that laughter? no-one’s around!
My tormented mind is hallucinating sound?
Crazy yeah, could be so
Probably be easier than the hell I know

Oh wait no not, it’s too dark in there
Inside my own head is the biggest scare
Guess it’s back to comfortable hell
Shut down, numb out, just be a shell

A broken fragment of who I could be
Pushing all of you away from me
Falling faster, cutting ties
Want no spectators to my slow demise

There was a time when I lived like this. Then a time when I couldn’t take any more. I almost took my life. I almost became a waste of the gift of life. The miracle of my recovery and renewed sense of purpose is to me all the proof of God that I need. If you don’t wanna believe in the “God of the Preachers” then don’t. Find your own conception of caring, loving, forgiving power greater than yourself and get on with living instead of slowly dying

How did this happen

What am I doing, where am I going
this remorse I am sowing
I don’t have the ambition to care
Or maybe I do, just not enough
Possibly I will with more of a scare
Life could be worse, it’s not so tough
Just a little bit homeless
Just some easy jail time
It’s not so bad of a mess
Enable me some more
I’ll quit when I’m worse
But I’ve still got a long way to go
Fleeting thoughts creeping in
This is the same problem again
Stop, it hurts to think about that
Why can’t I stop when I must
God you aren’t being very just
Don’t you see it’s unfair
And I still don’t seem to care
It’s my solution to life
I need it to face the job and the wife
Too bad it may just kill me
What if I just do it myself
Now I see what is true
The demons hold me like glue
Rock and a hard place
I’m a waste a disgrace
How come I can’t quit
What’s so good about the shit
The wretched tyranny of ifs
The futile trys and the wiffs
I’ll just drive into a tree
They’ll be better without me
But wait, something I didn’t foresee
I really can’t do that to my boys
Playing with costumes and toys
They’re so innocent so pure
They’ve given me reason for sure
I finally think that I care
There’s help I received
Although I barely believed
God was there all along
Now there’s reason for song
And dance the new plan
Another chance to be a real man
Responsibilities in life
Don’t equal fatal strife
Now a better solution
Clean of the substance pollution
It wasn’t all body or mind
This illness is one of a kind
My spirit was sick
Denial was so thick
It was truly more than I could do
I just couldn’t beat that damn glue
So how did I begin life anew?
Twas Grace that broke through!

LOST TO TIME

Timing you are indeed a motherfucker
Father Time you’ve played me for a sucker
I ran the race that was over before begun
I played the game I lost before the fun
Open your eyes, so to see the sun
Open your heart, to love before you run
Lost in time alone in space
Wherefore art thou saving grace?
Not to see what we could be
Not to lose what’s already been
Forgiven failures to lose again! ?
This I Must Earn
Time also means I have to learn
Lesson learned three times again
Lesson burned, some never win
Time and time and then some more
Always back to the same before
I’ll share the blame
I’ll wear the shame
Fast or slow all in a name
Time you are always same
Same as before as way back when
March along and leave me then
I’m the drunkard, time’s the gin
I’m the loser to time again

Self Image

The way I feel about myself has too often been based upon how I think others are feeling about me. However, I’ve been told that what others think of me is none of my damn business. Besides, do I really know what others are thinking? Also, the way I feel about myself colors the way I think others perceive me. This can set me up for negative cycles of poor self esteem feeding negative emotions. I shall challenge myself to be ok with being ok, to just be. It’s really all about the proper use of perception. Positive thoughts and actions can start a chain reaction in the right direction. Which will I choose; positive or negative energy?

My Prayer for You

I think about you every day. How you are… safe and happy I pray. Not working too hard but feeling fulfilled, making the most of your life. Take courage through the pains, you’re never alone. Remember the struggle, for all the right reasons. Remember the joys that life has to offer. Remember it’s the small moments that add up to life. It’s the peace in your mind, it’s contentment of purpose. It’s doing for others, but not neglecting ourselves. Life is a balance, don’t take yourself too seriously, but seriously take care of yourself. Not all plans will work out, don’t let loss of ideals steal the true and the real. We all have demons and angels. Dark vs. Light, remember always what you feed will grow. A sensitive heart is easily made to feel weak. A sensitive heart can be our greatest strength. You are who you are. Love yourself with humble perseverance. You are loved for just how you are. Beautifully crafted by the Creator of all. No one else is quite like you and no one ever made me feel the same. I’m so proud of you, not enough words here to explain. I wish to know how you’re doing, want to let you know I still care. Maybe I’m wrong, but for now till I hear from you first I’ll be content with your picture and my prayer.

It Feels Like Love

Loss of an ideal, loss of what could have been
Loss of something real, loss of a lover and a best friend
When you only see the reasons why it won’t work out that is what you get
Never finding perfect love, living in regret
Do you really think we could have been together under different circumstances
Or was it all a flash of fancied emotional inebriation
Someone makes you feel happy, special, good about yourself
That someone wants to keep on doing so but you put your feelings on the shelf
Love is fed by the feelings of the other
When love is dead it’s the feelings that you smother
But I’d like to think that if it’s real it maybe doesn’t die
If love is real then the feelings heal and you don’t have to look for how and why
It’s in our hearts hidden from the pain
of over-analyzing loss and gain
Love isn’t alive on a ledger sheet
Love is feeling, love is heat
When love lives mostly inside the head the theory of the grand idea is dead
When love is felt inside the heart
it survives the time and miles apart
Love isn’t convenient or always kind
I guess it’s true that love is blind
We’re just humans being
Feeling with the heart but guided by the mind.
The mind doesn’t know what the heart can do
So just make the most of what you’ve got
With mind so cold and feelings hot
Find your balance so you can live
But don’t let the pain of what could be
Take away your joy before you see

Dancing with you

The dance of love and lust
Infatuation and trust
Willing to be more
but finding time for less
Busy life, soon to be ex-wife
Kids and work, school and recovery
Jumbled emotions and responsibility
Questions I’m afraid to ask
Is this for real, is it healthy?
Do I want you more than you want me?
We’ve had our fun but not enough
Is it time to run or play it tough
How did it happen, I’ve fallen very hard
Can I protect your tender feelings
And forget about myself
If we make it work it is together
If we fall apart maybe we didn’t try
I cannot let you know how I feel
Keep it cool and play it safe
The nature of attraction, 
I back off, you’ll want what you don’t have
The challenge of the hunt
In this game I’m an amateur
I don’t always know what to do
What to say, who to be
I sound so stupid, I just need to be me
What made you fall for me at first
It is your attention and companionship for which I thirst
An exploration of desire
How could I need you so much?
You’ve introduced me to who I want to be
Is that why I don’t want to let you away from me?
I want to take care of you but you are strong
You don’t want us to be hurt
         And you’re not wrong
You’ll never find another man
Who loves you like I do
I don’t love you because you’re beautiful
You’re beautiful because I love you

I & i

I a depraved and ravaged soul
I a fearful and childish fool
I a willing deceiver
I a humble believer
I a bearer of great wealth
I the loser of my self
I a wizard in my training
I cannot be self sustaining
I have been a great beginner
I have never been a winner
I the saint and then the sinner
I the paint and then the thinner
I the learner from the moment
I the forgetter of what it meant
I am the sum of what I live and see
I realize this life is not all about me